My dog is working a nerve

Last week, he went through RTL's workbag and ate anything and everything paper related.
This week, well today specifically, he pulled everything out of the recycling bag and has shredded it across the kitchen.
I don't know how much he consumed.
I was gone less than 30 minutes.
He was dead asleep when I left.
I was really nice and didn't put him on the back porch.
I didn't want him to suffer with the rain.
I'm going to kill him to put myself out of my misery. OK, I'm really not, but I'd like to right about now.
What makes it worse is that it is raining, which means he will refuse to leave the backporch when put outside, which means he will get constipated, which means he will have seizures, which means I'll be babysitting at 3 a.m. because for some reason that is the exact time that he likes to have seizures and then I'll be a cranky girl because I didn't get all of my beauty sleep.
Any ideas? Anyone? Prevention suggestions? Early taxidermy maybe?
This hasn't been a problem since he was a puppy. All of a sudden in the past year or so, he has started again. I can't figure out what his deal is. He has toys to play with, daily walks, a soft cushy bed, food, and treats. He isn't beaten or left out in the cold rain, but he's about to be relegated to a bathroom when it's too icky to be outside.

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And I really hate this layout right now, so it's back to the drawing board.

San Francisco question

OK, I know it seems kind of silly to post this since I live here, but RTL's little sister (19) is coming for spring break and I need some ideas of what to do. We did all the touristy stuff last year when she was here, so I'm at a loss of what to do this year. RTL is under the impression that MB will have no desire to just hang out and that we have to have a list of things to do.

Things already under consideration -
The Chuck Close exhibit at MOMA
Rocky Horror
The Vampire Tour
The JellyBelly factory (cheesy, but I love going there)

That list started off as the dark side of San Fran. There was a brief consideration of going to LA, but that involves plane tickets and boarding the dog. So I need ideas. Any ideas are welcome.