Nothing's Shocking!

[fancytalk]

First of all I don't want to offend anyone who might read this so I'm posting the stories behind LJ cuts. You've been warned, so if you click the link don't come complaining to me.

Let me also explain that after working on the HIV hotline so long I have no filters when it comes to anything that has to do with sex and reproductive body parts. Absolutely none. I do know that I shouldn't throw around words like herpes and penis in polite company, but I have been known to discuss penile discharge in line at Wendy's. No filter. Things like don't don't shock or in any other way offend me any longer. Although I can be completely disgusted by some people's sexual habits, but other than that nothing can shock me down to my toes. You can try, but it would take a lot of effort.

So RTL and I had dinner with friends on Saturday and RTL, still retaining most of her filters, has to tell everyone else about a couple of tales that were told by our friends who were just visiting. Of course, she was egged on by George who has no filters as well. We were all laughing our heads off by the end of the first round of tales so since I would like to remember these tales for future "reference" I just thought I'd share.



Bob Ed and Elaine have been friends for an extraordinarily long time. When you finish reading this, you might want a friend like this too.
While they were here they went to the Japanese Tea Gardens in Golden Gate Park. A little advice when you are seeing the sites in SF - if you have the opportunity to use the restroom, go whether you think you need to or not. Lovely bathrooms are available at the Japanese Tea Gardens, so everyone made a stop. And then Elaine just didn't come back out of the bathroom. Bob Ed realizing that she'd been in there a bit overlong sent Martha in to make sure Elaine hadn't fallen in and drown. Martha comes out to report "lady troubles". Now you would have thought that one of the two females would have had tampon or something in their bags. Isn't it always the way that when you really need something and you normally would have five "just in case" that you don't have a single one. So Elaine staked out the bathroom and waited for other women using the facilities to ask for an extra feminine hygiene product. 27 people later she finally lucked out. However, during this entire time Bob Ed has been traversing the Japanese Tea Gardens doing a version of "menstrual cycle profiling". Finally going into the tea room, he explains the situation to a lady who is having tea with her husband and teen daughter. Direct Hit! The woman turns to her Mary Poppins purse saying no problem and hands him two tampons.
After the crisis was averted and the three were drinking their tea, the husband walks over and tells Bob Ed that he deserves a "man of the year" award because he himself has trouble just buying a box of tampons.




If no one has ever thought about this, now might be a good time.
Who is going to go through your personal items when you die? I know, morbid, but let's think about it. If it's only you, then your significant other gets the job. Not so bad. But what if you don't have a significant other or you both go at the same time? Mother, Father, brother, sister? or do you get a really trustworthy friend to do it? Not that it really matters because what will you have to be embarrassed about?

Bob Ed had a friend who was terminally ill. Apparently he made meticulous preparations before the final event. He had the will in order, who would be with him in his final days, where his stuff would go and who was going to clean out his "toy" drawer when he died. Very important because he didn't want his mother to get the shock of her life. (For the record, the trustworthy friend was not Bob Ed) So he passed into another life and his trustworthy friend cleared out all the sexual paraphernalia who dumped everything into a paper bag. He walked a few blocks to the subway in the rain, got on the train and put the bag on the wet floor in front of him. Needless to say, the bottom of the bag fell out and there were a lot of adult toys rolling down the aisle.

Just the image of the scene makes me laugh.


If you didn't find any of that amusing, then I guess you just had to be there. I've got another couple funny ones, but I think I'll do those friends only since they are "riding the edge of the law" scenarios and I don't want to give anyone ideas.

Comments

[curefreak.livejournal.com]

These stories are absolutely priceless. I thank you for sharing them, they gave me a damn good laugh. In the words of Homer (as in Homer J. Simpson, not Homer the Greek poet who wrote The Odyssey and The Illiad) "They're funny because they're true" :)